The Pentagon’s latest boondoggle, the ‘Golden Dome’ missile defence system, is currently spiralling into the financial stratosphere with the grace of a wounded albatross. Originally pitched as a $1.2 trillion (roughly £950 billion for those still clinging to proper currency) umbrella against intercontinental ballistic missiles, the scheme has now prompted British defence experts to raise an eyebrow so high it has vanished into their receding hairlines. Sir Humphrey Appleby’s ghost is doing backflips in Whitehall.
Let us be clear: this is not a dome. It is a sieve. A golden sieve, perhaps, but a sieve nonetheless. The concept, dreamed up by the same minds that brought you the Trump Steaks collection and a wall that Mexico never paid for, involves a constellation of satellites, ground-based interceptors, and enough contractor kickbacks to fund a small war in a medium-sized country. The price tag has already exceeded the GDP of Australia, and we haven’t even launched a single test rocket that didn’t explode in a most unpatriotic fashion.
UK defence experts, those dour men in tweed who have been muttering about ‘fiscal prudence’ since the fall of the Empire, have now officially declared the scheme ‘economically unviable’ which is ministry-speak for ‘you have gone stark raving mad.’ The Royal United Services Institute, in a report that must have been typed on a typewriter powered by despair, notes that the system’s effectiveness against a salvo of enemy missiles is roughly equivalent to deploying a single brolly against a monsoon. But at least an umbrella doesn’t cost a trillion quid.
The tragedy is that this monumental folly is being justified by a threat that barely exists. North Korea’s missiles can reach Guam if the wind is right. Iran’s are still trying to figure out how to leave the atmosphere. Russia’s arsenal is formidable, but a missile shield against a nation with enough warheads to turn the entire continent into a glass parking lot is like wearing a motorcycle helmet to a nuclear blast. It’s not going to help, but at least you’ll look prepared for the Daily Mail photo op.
Meanwhile, the contractors are rubbing their hands with glee. Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, and Boeing are already carving up the budget like a Christmas turkey, with each ‘cost overrun’ being framed as a national security imperative. Senators from relevant states are suddenly discovering a deep and abiding passion for space-based defence systems, as long as the component factories are located in their constituencies. The whole affair reeks of the sort of crony capitalism that would make a Victorian railway profiteer blush.
And what of the British contribution? Our own astute defence establishment has been asked to consult on ‘integration challenges’ which is a polite way of saying ‘we’re hoping your expertise will make our insane plan look slightly less insane.’ The MOD has responded with characteristic enthusiasm, dispatching a team of civil servants whose sole job is to write reports that will be promptly ignored. One can almost hear the collective sigh of relief from the Treasury as they realise this is not their money being flushed down the lavatory.
In the end, the Golden Dome will probably be scaled back into a ‘Silver Canopy’ or a ‘Bronze Tarp’ before being quietly cancelled when the next administration decides they need a trillion dollars for something even dumber, like a manned mission to the Sun. But for now, we are treated to the spectacle of a nation spending money it doesn’t have on a system that won’t work to counter a threat that could be neutralized with a bit of diplomacy and a stiff drink. Cheers, then.
