In a move that has sent shivers of existential dread through the corridors of the Quai d'Orsay, President Macron has been spotted in Nairobi, sipping something that is definitely not gin and talking to actual African leaders about 'moving beyond colonial ties.' One can only imagine the sheer novelty of this concept: France, the nation that brought us the 'civilising mission' and a frankly alarming number of baguette-related stereotypes, is now apparently trying to be friends with the continent it spent centuries looting. The meeting, described by Elysee sources as a 'frank and open dialogue', likely involved a lot of apologetic shrugging and offers of infrastructure deals.
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe of quiet smugness, the British Commonwealth continues to trundle along, a relic of empire dressed up as a gentleman's club for former colonies. UK diplomats, no doubt polishing their monocles, point out that the Commonwealth does 'soft power' better than anyone, which is British for 'we still talk to you and occasionally give you a knighthood.' The irony is as thick as the smog over London: France scrambles to undo its imperial hangover while Britain clings to its own, like a tramp with a bottle of cheap sherry.
But let us not be churlish. Perhaps Macron's trip will actually yield something substantial, like a new trade route for camembert or a joint space programme. Or perhaps, like every other colonial reconciliation attempt, it will end in a flurry of photo ops and empty promises.
The real question is: will the gin be decent in the VIP lounge?
